


The Goons Must Be Crazy

by ForceCommanderJoe



Category: RWBY
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor, Satire, Suspension Of Disbelief, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 22:43:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20071828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForceCommanderJoe/pseuds/ForceCommanderJoe
Summary: We've always known henchmen to be large in numbers, but few in brains. Canon fodder. But then two particular White Fang mooks end up pointing out the obvious, for better or for worse.





	The Goons Must Be Crazy

The ships sailed near Vacuo's port of Calendula. But among them were not simple caravans nor refugees from the Fall of Beacon looking for a new home among heightened tensions across the world of Remnant, if it can be even called that.

No.

These were soldiers of the White Fang. Hell-bent on the subjugation of Humanity in the name of their Faunus brethren's rightful place as rulers of Remnant.

Military, Grimm and other such potential obstacle would not be an issue so long as the Faunus get what they deserve. To be treated like the Human beings they so zealously despise, no matter the cost.

It wasn't like they underestimated the imperialist Huntsmen who made their operations any difficult...

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Llewellyn Kelly had looked down the lens of his binoculars sweeping the area for any fascists who tried to pay their outpost by the fishing village a visit.

The fox Faunus was itching for blood along with his friend, Jonas Oransje. Who would gladly put a .45 caliber burst into any denier of the cause. 

Their respective cell, the Camelus Sentinels were known for how ferocious they were in defensive operations.

Airborne soldiers that were meant to die in a drop zone if it meant taking a few of the enemy with them. Not even the special forces of each kingdom's military could infiltrate a Camelus camp and get out alive.

Kelly lowered his binoculars, and looked at Jonas with fierce resolve.

"They have no idea what they'll be getting into if they come across us." Kelly spoke.

"Yeah! No one's gonna save them!" Oransje replied with a sadistic chuckle.

"With someone of your tenacity here, Jonas. I can think of no other fine slayer." Kelly humbly admitted.

Jonas smiled for a brief moment, eyes almost twinkling in flattery, but then resolved to his demented laughter once again.

"Leave their bodies as a warning, uh...If it- -Huntsmen are jerks. That's what I'm getting at." The hyena stuttered.

The vulpine man frowned in confusion and rose an eyebrow.

"Are you having second thoughts?" He asked.

The hyena's eyes shifted for a second, then dropped his slasher smile.

"No! I just...Think we should uh...Er...Do something more about Huntsmen." He hesitantly answered.

"Jonas, you're usually not this lethargic when it comes to defending a base. What's going on?" His friend interrogated.

The latter's eyes darted to the right as he broke the ice with whatever he was hesitant about.

"I ain't feeling lethargic, man." Oransje spoke. "It's just that...You ever get the feeling that we're cannon fodder for Huntsmen?"

"What do you mean?" The vulpine asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I mean, I'm good at killing masses and all, but one, maybe four of them are a bit of a challenge to take down." The mutt answered with gesturing his fingers with each number. "You ever think about that? Tell me how that's supposed to protect our mission from them." He then complained.

Kelly's ears drooped in thought for a brief moment, then he looked back at his friend.

"I mean, that rifle hasn't failed you yet against a Grimm pack." He said with an eyeroll. "And there's your explosive expertise so that can't be too much to worry about." Kelly then said.

"I'm not really worried about Grimm when some teenager armed with military grade Dust ammunition is fucking shootin' at me!" Oransje replied, a vein showing in his forehead to showcase his annoyance.

"Okay. Okay. Point taken." Kelly huffed. "But your armor shouldn't be an issue, right?" He then asked.

"Llewellyn, my entire arms are exposed outside of this tunic!" He snipped. Holding his arm out and revealing his dented and torn flesh along with...

"Dude. Is that a boot print?"

"Yeah. Some Atlas dick stepped on me when I fell over. I can't hold a whiskey anymore!" Jonas said with tearful eyes.

Kelly winced and looked to the side.

"We ran out of whiskey, remember? One. It's not very good to have out here in the desert. And two. All we have left apart from water is liquefied Dust which will no doubt be the main target should the fascists come by." He lengthily explained.

Jonas huffed.

"Well that's just peachy. No real armor, and now no booze!" He then bitched. "Why should we care about getting proper protection anymore?!" He said with his eyes bulging out.

"Honestly, just be glad you're not one of the elders wearing see-through clothing. If they're ever here, that is."

"Llewellyn, we have two Heavies in there who have tank armor and a big damn machine gun! Why don't _we_ have that? WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE?!" The crazier of the two argued, eyes crossing a derpy manner.

"I mean, it's Vauco, Jonas. We didn't ask to be sent here! Shit tends to be pretty limited in terms of supplies around here." He calmly pointed out.

"There's plenty of wildlife to hunt around here, but you don't see much of it prepared with sand still in it for pretty good reasons. It's usually just one Huntsmen around here. How the hell can one, two, maybe four of them take out our Heavies in tank armor when they've probably been wandering the desert for Gods-know-how-long to try and somehow find us. It ain't like Atlas and their fancy hover tech and GPS, man." Kelly explained, even longer this time.

The more feral canine man looked down, almost remorsefully before resuming his argument.

"That's another thing I wanted to mention. This particular Huntress that High Lord Adam was raving about...Who is she?"

Kelly shrugged.

"She's, just someone. Stupid little punk who things she can take on the White Fang." He said with a fisted salute to his chest.

"And how many operations of ours has she taken out?" Jonas asked.

"How do you know?" He said more worryingly. "Well, I guess two?"

"Yeah. That was last month. What about the next?" Jonas argued in a more dire tone.

The vulpine gulped.

"Well, Command said five. But...That's impossible! What kind of fairy tale loser with some namby-pamby superpower, a melee weapon that's also a gun and some rinky-dink color-themed name would crash our missions so easily and do it constantly? It's just the Humans trying to force us into surrender!" He ranted.

Jonas paused.

"Lew, those missions were still failures. That wasn't some lie by Command to try and reassure us or some shit." The hyena countered.

"Oh r-really? And who do you think would crash our parties so easily?"

His crazier friend darted around and whispered into his ear.

"I heard from Corsac and Fennec. That one Huntress......Was Blake Belladonna."

Kelly's eyes shot open upon recognizing the name.

"No, no no no no no..." He quietly uttered. "So it's true. It was her who crushed our moment of truth at Haven. She sent High Lord Adam running?!"

The latter nodded.

"That's right, Lew. Now I haven't heard much, but what if she's as deadly towards us, her former brotherhood as they say? What do we have that she and her Huntsmen allies don't?"

The fox drooped his ears in terror.

"We- -We have bigger reserves. She can't take us all out if we outnumber her? And we've got those Dust crates over there." He said, gesturing his hand towards the shipping facility they occupied in the village. "What kind of idiot would go in guns blazing? It's suicide." He boasted, making the Hyena snarl.

Jonas pointed angrily at the interior.

"Our brothers in there are sitting on the Dust barrels and smoking! Try explaining that, Llewellyn!"

The former looked in the back and it was at this moment that Llewellyn and Jonas knew...

"Pass me the Boarbatusk No. 9, brother?"

They done fucked up.

Kelly slowly turned around, hands shaking as he nearly dropped his rifle. The latest scorcher in Vacuo's weather did no favor for the sweat trickling down his face. He stared off into the road as he stated the bleeding obvious.

"Oh my gods These guys are gonna get us killed."

"I told ya. So what do we do now?"

Hyena and fox darted their eyes around as they did the next logical thing for an error like this.

Run away, both screaming like children and turning themselves in at Shade Academy, somehow not encountering Grimm along the way (probably due to how they weren't attracted to their stupidity) and ratting their base out.

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At 18:00 hours, the Sentinels' base was blown to kingdom come.

Any surviving White Fang members were taken into custody for trial and questioning, as a young wolf Faunus in a yellow garb was currently awaiting. She sat in the cot of a sand skimmer hooked on an EKG machine after inhaling Gravity Dust from the assault.

Normally, Dust inhalation was fatal to humanoid beings. In this case, Gravity could make the victim...Well...not all there.

But this young fanatic had her mind miraculously intact despite how dazed she was by the base going boom. Her eyes glazed a sickly shade of purple, and she felt appropriately light-headed. She stared upwards to the tented ceiling of the skimmer as a Shade Academy teacher had sat grimly across from her.

"If you have anything to say, young lady, soon would be a very good time."

Before passing out from the fact that Gravity Dust made for one bad trip, several words escaped her lips muffled under the breathing masks.

"Why...Did we have...So much Dust out in the open?"


End file.
